Monchichi

Ok... I feel really badly for bringing light to this situation, but my sister's friend brought it to my attention that Kim Kardashian's husband, Chris Humphries, may in fact resemble a Monchichi. 

Having not heard or seen a Monchichi since 1992, I quickly Googled both Mr. Humphries and a Monchichi to see if they do in deed strike a resemblance to one another.

"Exhibit A-Chris Humphries"

 

 "Exhibit B-Monchichi"

Well this is awkward... Kim is married to a monchichi.

Well This is Awkward

Although many of you may believe that some of my stories are false, or possibly exagerated, I am slightly embarrassed to inform you that they are in fact true.

My dear friend, Ms. Pretty Unpretentious, sent me the following picture this morning with the headline... "Awkward":

"Exhibit A"

Although I felt slightly discouraged from continuing to pursue my dream after I was banned last night from posting on Ms. Winfrey's fan page wall, I am in fact allowed again to proceed with my attempts to bring my idol to my Law School graduation in May 2013. 

And to my Dear Friend Ms. Winfrey: I apologize for the social overload last night and this morning. I admit, the 18th post may have been too much. I promise to limit my daily contacts to you to one social outlet per day. 

Life Class

Dear Oprah:

I received your email dated September 22, 2011, in which you asked me to "watch a special message" from you in regards to your Life Class which starts October 10, 2011 at 8:00 p.m.

Your message confirmed that you have in fact gained over one million students to sign up for class.

Although I appreciate you keeping me informed of the status of your Life Class, I am concerned that you have not gotten back to me regarding the following:

First:

In my email to you dated September 11, 2011, I expressed my concern that I have yet to receive my "Oprah's Class Journal" that you promised in your email to me dated August 18, 2011 because I was ONE of the first million student's to sign up for your Lifeclass.

Because class is starting in just a few weeks, my concerns have grown and my fear of not being prepared for class has heightened.

Although I have given my mail carrier's the heads up, please let me know when I may expect my "Oprah's Class Journal".

Second:

In my letter dated September 13, 2011, I asked you to please get back to me with "regards to attending my Law School Graduation in May 2013 and giving a well-prepared speech". 

I advised you that "I have already filed a petition with my school for an extra ticket for you to sit next to my dad, step-mom, sister, brother-in-law and mom. If you hurry and get back to me, I might be able to put in a request for an additional ticket for Stedman if you were thinking about bringing him".

I also asked you to "Please get back to me with your answer to all of the foregoing no later than October 1, 2011, which is the deadline to submit an Amended Petition to my school for an extra ticket to my May 2013 Law School Graduation".

As of today's date, I have not heard from you.

As October 1, 2011 is approaching, please advise asap to all of the foregoing.

Thank you much and I will see you in class!

E.T. Go Home!

Who ever said this was a "great movie for the whole family" was a liar! 

Pursuant to Black's Law Dictionary, Negligent Infliction of Emotional Distress is defined as the tort of causing another severe emotional distress through one's great negligent conduct.

Most court's will allow a plaintiff to recover damages for emotional distress if the defendant's conduct results in physical contact with the plaintiff or, when no contact occurs, if the plaintiff is in the zone of danger.

Emotional distress is defined as a highly unpleasant mental reaction (i.e. anguish, grief, fright, humiliation or fury) that results from another person's conduct.

The "Zone of Danger" is defined as the dangerous area created by the defendant's negligent conduct.

The making of E.T. was pure negligence: 

The creator's of E.T. owed a duty to little children everywhere. The risk that children would be scarred for life after watching this disturbing movie was 100% foreseeable. 

Further, it is in the best interest of society to protect our children and not have them be exposed to little scary creatures running around trying to use the phone before the age of 18. 

Because the creator's of E.T. had a duty to children everywhere,  they breached said duty by making a film about a little alien that was going to haunt them for the rest of their lives.

Since watching the scary, life changing movie, my sister and I have had to spend an excess amount of money on nightlights, flashlights, heightened electricity bills, therapy, etc. 

The watching of E.T. has disrupted our social life, my sister's married life and has had severe consequences on the completion of our brains fully forming. 

Because the breach of their duty was a substantial factor in causing us severe mental anguish and defendant's conduct resulted in the physical contact with our brain, the creator's of E.T. owe us the following damages:

***An apology for making the most disturbing, scariest movie ever***

However, I will settle this prior to trial if you get Oprah to come to my Law School Graduation in May 2013. Thank you much.

In the Defense of My Sister

With all this new found fame, I would like to take a moment and write a piece "in the defense of my sister":

As much as I poke fun at her, I understand (and believe you should too) that my sister's haircut when she was a little girl was not her fault.

In fact, it was intentional.

Every six weeks, my loyal mother would take us to her good friend, Barber Shop Joe, to get our hair cut and styled. 

Although talented, Barber Shop Joe knew one hair style and one hair style only: The feathered mullet.

Here is an example of what a typical family looked like as we passed each other to and from Barber Shop Joe's magic chair:

"Exhibit A"

Throughout the years of child abuse, opps, I mean salon days, Barber Shop Joe would repeat his motto to us: He firmly believed hair should be simple and convenient, yet sassy. 

Because it took extra time and energy to keep your hair away from your face by placing your long locks behind your ears, Barber Shop Joe made "our" (*my sister's*) life simple by eliminating the extra step and cutting off the "excess" hair that went from our (*her*) temples to about an inch past our (*her*) ear.

"Exhibit B"

As much as I would like to advise you that my mother realized the damage she may have been causing by allowing Barber Shop Joe to continue this abuse on us before Barber Shop Joe got to me, her innocent little baby, I mustn't lie to you.

My mother failed to recognize the signs of a fashion no no and by the fifth year of this torture... everyone in our family was given the feathered mullet.

"Exhibit C"

(Top Row-Right to Left: Adopted Cousin Nicole Marie, Barber Shop Joe's Best Client, My Mother's Perfect Little Angel. Bottom Row: My Monkey Cousin.)

However, lucky for the rest of us, Barber Shop Joe lost his disposable camera before he could capture our feathered mullets.

So... please let the record be clear, that my sister was not the only one that endured this torment.

Best Friends

My sister and I got off to a rough start when I was born. The news of my mom being pregnant with me devastated her. 

In an attempt to avoid the inevitable, my sister would run head first into my mom’s pregnant stomach with hopes that she would stay an only child. 

Her attempts to murder me luckily failed.

When I was born, things started to look up. She accepted the fact that she was no longer an only child and even became interested having a baby around.  She would dress me and my mom would allow her to feed me, only while being supervised.

My sister's curiosity lasted for approximately the first two months of my life. 

Extreme boredom soon set in and she was ready to get back to "normalcy", which apparently I did not exist in.

I slowly began to fear for my life.

"Exhibit A-Notice the Fear in my Eyes"

This fearful state only lasted so long and some where down the rocky road of being sisters, there came a time when my sister began to like me.  

Even though we were sometimes mistaken for brothers, my sister was always quick to correct the fact that we were girls.

"Exhibit B-Best Friends"

I think this sudden change in heart happened when I started attending her elementary school, which she vigorously begged my mom to keep me out of. 

I think my sister realized that being an older sister wasn't so bad!

"Exhibit C"

I realized that this "hate" for me was in fact fake when she started doing the following:

1. Holding my hand on every first day of school.

2. Siting next to me on the school bus when I was scared.

3. Always meeting me at the white line at every break she had.

4. Sticking up for me when someone would call me a boy; and 

5. Always laughing when I said something funny.

It's interesting when I sit back and think how far we have come.... not much has changed.

"Exhibit D-Best Friends"

 Well... maybe some things have changed...my sister doesn't look like a little boy named Pedro anymore. 

Night night! Can't wait for our 8:00 a.m. conversation tomorrow morning!

I have zero to talk about... so you better bring something good to the table.

Warrior Dash 2010

Warrior Dash is a "mud-crawling, fire-leaping, extreme run from hell". 

Around this time last year, my oh so sweet cousin advised me that we will be participating in said event.

(Note-I despise running.)

So, in order to get me excited for this "extreme run from hell", my cousin explained the run as a “Bay-2-Breakers” type event. 

Oh.... well in that case...My spirits automatically were raised and I began to search for the perfect costume. 

For those of you that are unclear as to what a “Bay-2-Breakers” type event is, please be advised of the following:

“Bay-2-Breakers” is a yearly "run" that takes place in San Francisco. However, this race is not an ordinary race. I have heard that some people actually run it. 

The other 132,563,289 people participating in this "run", use this race as a pre-Halloween party. 

The streets of San Francisco close down and everyone, dressed in their outrageous themed outfits, carrying things such as wagons with beer-kegs, bags of wine and bottles of whiskey, roam the streets attempting to make it to the finish line.

"Exhibit A"

"Exhibit B"

Sounds fun right??

Understanding what the expectations of “Bay-2-Breakers” are, I immediately accepted my cousin’s invite to participate in this “Bay-2-Breakers” type run.

My cousin and I rallied a group together to “run” with us and decided we were going to be "farm animals".

"Exhibit C"

I am the Gorilla.

"Exhibit D"

After we parked our car and began walking to the start line, I became confused. I remember thinking... "hmmm... that's weird. I do not see any one else in costume."

In fact, NO ONE was dressed in costume, other than some of my fellow runners who put on their best rendition of what a Warrior would run in.

"Exhibit E"

(The Start of Warrior Dash- Notice, No Costumes)

You may also notice that there were no floats, beer kegs, wagons full of people, themed outfits, bags of wine or bottles of whiskey in the above picture. 

Hence... this was NOTHING like Bay-2-Breakers.

My anxiety shot up as I realized that I was actually going to run this race.

So, I gave my cousin the "I Hate You Speech" and I started the race.... with my costume on.

"Exhibit F"

We made our way through ropes. 

 "Exhibit G"

and climbed up the hay bales...

"Exhibit H"

I made it to the end of the race in full gorilla costume. 

Moral of the story: Do some research before you enter a race.