My friend just sent me this Craigslist Posting:
"Let me be clear. I want a girlfriend. But, I don't really want a girlfriend.
I just want one for the holidays.
Let's recognize something. The holidays suck, especially for us single people. All of your coupled friends are going to be doing couple things: snuggling by the fire, going to dinner at each others' parents houses, blahblahbarf.
Let's recognize another thing. Deep down inside, you don't want to be alone for the holidays. You want someone to do all of those cute snuggly things with, someone to get fat and keep warm next to (let's also recognize that it's getting f* cold here), and someone to accompany you to your friends' coupley holiday parties so they don't keep thinking you're a loser destined for permanent solo status.
But, you've spent all year working on your career / training for charity bike rides / getting drunk and haven't had the time or inclination to track down and capture a boyfriend. And even if you did, you're not really sure you'd want to keep him after the holidays are over, anyway.
Be my girlfriend for the holidays. And only for the holidays.
How it works:
You reply with a picture and a brief bio (250 words max. To give you an idea, this posting is 499). If it seems like a good fit we'll set up a casual mini-date (coffee, beer, or whatever). If that's a success and we're both feeling it, we'll date until 11:59PM, January 2nd, 2012. After that we can still be friends (unless we hate each other, then we can downshift to the occasional drunken booty call).
• You have someone to keep you company on these witch-tit-cold San Francisco nights. Did I mention I'm an excellent cuddler? (I have references.)
• I like to cook. Especially for others. Nothing too fancy, but always tasty and satisfying. As long as you're an omnivore, you win.
• Having done it professionally for some years to pay for school, I know my way around a bar. Same goes for wine cellars and beer coolers. Homemade winter warmers? Done.
• Hate holiday music? Me too. Seeing as every other establishment or event you step into will be playing it, I'll spare you the excess.
• Love taking photos? Sweet. Let's wear gaudy holiday attire and make ridiculous Xmas postcards to send your friends and family. Just for the lulz.
• Worried about finding someone to kiss on New Year's Eve who doesn't look (or sound) like Sloth's cousin? Boom! Got you covered.
28 years old, small business owner, active (cyclist, surfer, snowboarder), outgoing, easy on the eyes.
Not About You (aka Dealbreakers or, Don't Bother if You Exhibit the Following):
Heavy drug use, laziness, prudishness, still in love with old boy or girlfriend from years past (or if you secretly are, at least have the damn decency to not blab on about it).
Interested? Then send your pic and bio and get this ball rolling."
Are you kidding? YES, I would love to send in my resume, biography and picture to you, Mr. Creepy Craigslist Killer, so that you can use me for the holidays!
Dear Potential Bait for Mr. Creepy Craigslist Killer, Please. For the sake of women kind. Do not answer him.
And Creepy Craigslist Killer, although I found this slightly entertaining and understand it is most likely (or hopefully) a joke amongst you and your fraternity brothers, it does not shed you in the best of light.