Friday, September 30, 2011

"How to get Dylan Safely to the Garage without Getting Attacked"

Oh how I cherish my morning routine with little Dylan.  

Putting Dylan out for the day is like a game of Double Dutch (jump-rope with 2 ropes). 

Timing when to jump in can be difficult if you don't know the local rhythms and rules. Luckily for me, Dylan does not divert from his daily routine too often. 

Our morning usually begins pleasant. After a perfect night sleep, I wake up, drag myself get out of bed and tip-toe toward the shower out of fear that my little monster will wake up before he is ready. 

"Exhibit A"
(Dylan Sleeping)
As I get ready, Dylan slowly wakes up and starts his day. 

After about 15 minutes, Dylan is fully awake. He begins wondering the house looking for food and begins terrorizing his beefy sister Bella. 

"Exhibit B"
(Beefy Sister Bella) 
After about 30 minutes of "play" time, Dylan is exhausted and decides to take a little nap while guarding my door.

"Exhibit C"
(Dylan Sleeping/Guarding) 

Suddenly Dylan is awake and alert. He jumps to his paws at the sound of my music turning off. This triggers him to run for cover.

The game begins.  Every morning I must figure out "How to get Dylan Safely to the Garage without Getting Attacked".

This morning I started by checking under my bed.  

This particular location is usually the most dangerous of places because my reaction time for pulling my arm and face back before his anticipated vicious attack is most likely delayed due to the awkward angle of my bed.

Haha! Caught you Small Brain!
"Exhibit D"
(Small Brain Under my Bed)  

However, pursuant to Rule No. 231 of "How to get Dylan Safely to the Garage without Getting Attacked", you shall never leave the malti-poo unattended once the malti-poo's location has been revealed. 

Although I am very familiar with this rule, my A.D.D. got the best of me. I messed up

As I leaned down to maneuver him out, I saw a light flash behind me which triggered me to remember the coffee pot was on which then lead me to get up, go down stairs and make myself a cup of coffee to go. 

When I returned upstairs to get my things... I remembered that prior to getting my coffee I was doing something....

Oh yes... Getting little devil dog out from under my bed.

However, by the time I leaned down to fetch Dylan, he was long gone. Shoot. 

I then proceeded down the stairs to his second favorite location: Under the table in the entry way. 

Haha! Caught you again small brain!

"Exhibit E"
(Small Brain)

Although I am overwhelmed with joy because I outsmarted a malti-poo, I am discouraged from completing my task when my memory begins to replay the awful consequences of getting too close.

"Exhibit F"
(Almost too close)

At the very moment Dylan began to make his fake panting noise, which means the attack is near, I remember Rule No. 967

Rule No. 967 says, that "once you have made eye contact and revealed yourself to your four legged friend, you must never make quick advances at the suspect. Instead, slow, gentle movements will be your best bet at saving your fingers". 

I have also learned that getting down to his level helps with the non-intimidation approach.

I get down and start calling for Dylan in my nicest voice possible, tapping the ground gently making sure not to scare him and pretend as though I am not about to rip his head off for making me late for work once again. 

Haha! Sucker. Works like a charm. Dylan surrenders.

"Exhibit G"
(Sucker starts coming out from hiding)

"Exhibit H"
(Sucker then becomes submissive)

  "Exhibit I"
(Dylan Retreats to his bed in the Garage)

"Exhibit J"
(We say our Goodbyes)

"Exhibit K"
(Dylan Accepts the Feeling of Defeat)

Don't feel too badly for my little small brain dog. He has a great life. 

In addition to having to stay outside for the day while mommy attends work and law school, Dylan chases the cat, beats up his beefy sister Bella, sleeps in our beds, play's chase with the little kids down the street, eats human food and receives daily massages.

Yesterday I caught him eating a full roll of cheese. He loves his life.  And I am happy to report I still have my face and all my fingers.


  1. He looks seriously scary in most of those picks! Boggles my mind how a thing so cute and turn so cujo!


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